he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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