So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Randomize
