I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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