why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
