Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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