??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
