I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
