I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
