Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
