I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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