The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
