I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
