Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
