I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He passed out mid-signature
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
