Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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