I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
