the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
