Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
