i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
