my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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