I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
