Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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