listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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