The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
