is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
