Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
