i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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