if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
