I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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