Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my shit smells like andre
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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