Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
