Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We are two peas in an std pod
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
