I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
