How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
