I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
