I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
