fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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