I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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