please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
