Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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