overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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