he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
