if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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