I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
