Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So here I am, sexting at work.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
