i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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