Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
