Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
