Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize