just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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