i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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