I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
