foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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